The day, when I couldn’t……

It was, I thought, a usual hangover and tried to move on with just another bright and humid morning of my last summer at Kharagpur, which later became my last morning at kgp. Muneish came to me to go for breakfast, I said “later yaar” but then agreed to go to Shantanu’s , never realized it’s my last “trip” outside LLR on my own. Felt a little dizzy after coming back to my room, so I lay down on my bed. It was a 5 minute nap when, “Abhishek….” somebody called outside, and I tried to get up, my left hand refused to move on its own, so I used right one to make it hang beside myself, ”how funny” I said to myself , and got up to walk.
Something didn’t let me walk, I said “crap”, and in a bid to move, I decided it’s better to lie on floor rather than falling.

Atul was on door, and I said “utha yaar”. I laughed on him when he failed to do so, not realizing it’s my body which has failed, he gathered other wingies who came to rescue me, I was literally pushed to bathroom and then on the way back, everyone was sweating and laughing , “what the hell” I said. I found myself on ground in another bid to move, it was Ankur who said “something is terribly wrong”, and used the emergency number I saved in my phone, in case anybody need an ambulance of BC Roy, without a second thought that this “anybody” would be me.

“Oh no, not BC Roy”, I said, and was picked up on a stretcher, sweating all over, and was taken to emergency. Old lady whispered to doctor “oh re baba, paralyzed”. “PARALYZED” I heard, “what??” I asked my friends, “nothing” they said. I was crying my heart out all the way to CT scan, the last thing I ever thought to do.

“Move to Apollo, Kolkata, call parents” all I heard and yes, ambulance siren on the highway.
I don’t remember what everyone was telling to me. “How”, “what next”, “why” were the questions, I was asking to myself. Every important moment came in my mind, with faces of every important person, as if I’m watching some movie in fast-forward mode.

In the hospital they asked a lot of question if I remember everything about me or not. And then, I was connected to life-saving equipments. I didn’t move on my own for a month, the only moving things were stretchers, wheelchairs, and of course people who moved me.

I survived and lived every day after 10 a.m., 11th May, 2008, only because of my parents, and my friends.

And I don’t know if this text will help me to regain every non-physical thing that I lost that morning. But, now, I genuinely do not believe to regret, as the point is to live in the present.

One unforgettable morning....

It was dark and cold in a November morning. Yes, too cold for a 6 year old kid because his mother didn’t allow him to go out without a “bi-layer” of warm clothes. It was my all time favorite, the morning of Chhath puja, a grand festival back at my home-state.

We young, better say ‘little guns’ of India were out there, chilling, wondering how grown ups manage themselves in normal clothes even in these conditions. Everything required for worship of Lord Sun was arranged on ‘thelas’ to carry them to Ganga-ghat. But, who is going to guard these, and who will enjoy pushing thelas when it would get stuck in sand. “We will, we will, please, let us….” We cried, unaware of the fact that actually our senior folks want us to do so, as a result, we were now on thelas, proud to be there.
Now, hitting the roads not so empty, as it used to be at this time. We passed colourful bulbs, ‘disco-lights’, pandals, and then reached Ganga-ghat, the bank of holy river Ganga, one of my favourite place right from my childhood.

Still discussing how our ‘driver’ managed to escape where others got stuck in sand, and whispering “Oh no, we didn’t enjoy what others are, lucky people!!” A little later every other person of family was there as in some grand family reunion. Then, everyone was waiting for sunrise, which gave us some time to enjoy on sand and as usual I got away a little far. With lots of queries in my mind, when will they start, will all of these people here do the same things to make Sun happy?

I decided to find it on my own, the notorious nonconformist developing within me was on his way to find its answers. So what if we enjoy here on Ganga ghats, what makes people to have enough faith to come out of their cozy beds to flatter Lord Sun , why don’t they do it any other day? Do we really have to do these things to enjoy this cold morning at Ganga, why cant I come here everyday?

As usual, lost in my own thought, not realizing where I am, I was wandering alone along the Ganga ghat, watching people worshipping Lord Sun. Never realized I was actually lost!!
As it usually happens with other kids, they get lost, cry out loud and then announced on P.A. system to take them. I still admire my own courage to actually make a decision to not to cry, even when I realized, I was not able to find my folks. In spite of that I kept on moving here and there, not following any ‘set of rules’ which my mom told me, go to police uncle, or people in tent, ask them to announce your name if you are lost, and yes, following one, Don’t cry.
Soon as the tradition is, my pockets were filled with ‘thekuas’ and bananas used in Puja, with every family giving those to kids and people they know. So, finally, I’m done here, no more sight seeing, let get back to home as soon as possible, as there will be “He-man” coming on TV. I kept on moving easily as nothing happened, but soon I realized something has happened, my name was all over the P.A. system, then suddenly my people appeared, my dear mom, panicked and about to cry. They were amazed what made me so courageous, with my hands in pocket and walk alone for so long. I made all of them laugh (didn’t realize why, that time) “Mom, why do you keep saying, Don’t cry when lost, if you have to cry like this”.

With a happy-ending my “long” journey was over. Of course I’m not a theist, but simply in love with charm and magic of Chhath Puja forever.
In spite of being too young, I still remember that morning and enjoy it in solitude, perhaps, because it was my first time out to see others all alone, and do something on my own. Breaking and challenging rules, rituals have become my habit since then.
I remember that morning, when I’m low, and ask myself, if I can have such courage as a kid why can’t I do it now.
And if I get a chance to travel back in time, I’ll always choose this moment to enjoy and live that morning again……..

Awake now.......

This morning when I woke up
under the blue world of distant star(s),
as usual, a bit shaken
was cold whole night so far

Couldn't feel it, though,
was in a sweet dream
as usual, far away from cold & real world
just like a star

Was dreaming bout
one of those with me,
around my own world
in this blue sky
Yes, I said it right
was flying too high

Was chasing it blindly
without giving a second thought
Though, it warned me,
imposing few hurdles to cross.

Then hurled & bumped me
too many times
Took it just as a part of game
may be was lost in sweet chimes.

But dreams are dreams
my real world could'nt get them
It took my skin for not getting back
the skin which protected me
from cold,
and gave strength and warmth.

As I'm awake now
star, still distant
staring me quietly
as nothing actually happened
smiling, boy, just a dream!!

And I stand naked,
against cold wind
and rain
with frozen blood flowing(?)
through my vein

Every possible small thing
penetrating me
passing through me now
trying to find their way through me,
leaving me behind
like I dont exist
But, again, thats true
I'm nothing without my skin.

As I'm awake now,
as usual, speechless, shaken, cold.....
I want my world back
I want myself back......
So, give it to me,
not a hopeless hope.....
I need it,
I want my skin BACK.......

Rain, leave me drain!!

Scorching summer has no hope..
it leaves me wet..
then I wait for u...
drenched with heat and dust..
accumulating emotions......
within myself.......
....Like you......

Summer, may not be messy,
neat and tidy..
But, it leaves you abandoned....
to wander nowhere,
........Like me.......

Then,you gather yourself....
rise higher...
and higher
and come back....
to make me drain.

Sometimes drizzling,
sometimes fiercely....
with lightning
u scare heat inside
and summer escapes.

Then it's cold,
soil's fragrance and all
makes me smile,
when u fall.

So rain....
Oh rain....
please..come again..
and, leave me drain (ed)!!

End of Ordeal

Too many times, I tried to say..
some good, some bad.....
Tried to look myself,
times when I stood high,
times I fell.
Moments of joy
nourishing pain
was I worth it??
Is it end of ordeal..
or a beginning??
is it my moment of joy..
am I worth it??
Some things I'll never say.....
Some things I cant say.........